Harry is Scary
by LuCkY PiSceS
Summary: Harry is, once again, at Hogwarts. This story tells the humors of his life. Please read and review! It's a funny story!
1. Dirty Harry

Harry is Scary  
  
A/N: This is a lovely little parody written by LuCkY PiScEs and DreaminGemini6192.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter (tear, tear) but I do own... my bedroom windows!!!  
  
Ch.1: Dirty Harry   
  
Harry obnoxiously frolicked down the never-ending glorious hall that has pictures of Professor Snape all over it.  
  
"What splendid portraits." Harry contemplated good- willingly. "I love this hall on the morning of my potions exams! No- come to think of it, I've always loved this hall!" Harry confused himself as well as the fair readers who will all review this story.  
  
"All hail Professor Snape! King of Hogwarts! We will build you a secret chamber that hooks to the Chamber of Secrets for not making us take exams!" raved Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle. Everyone else exchanged mentally confused looks, except for Pansy Parkinson, Snape's wife-to-be, who enjoyed giggling constantly at the thought of Professor Snape in an evening ball gown.  
  
"Ron. Go get me my favorite book." Hermione said thinking OBVIOUSLY about Hogwarts, A History, which she was in the middle of reading for the 407,369th time.  
  
"Of course my sweet glass of lemonade. By the way, did I till you how much I love you? Will you marry me?" Ron said blandly with his head in the clouds and in pink-sprinkled cupcakes.  
  
"O! Yes darling! I do! I do! Harry, will you be my bridesmaid since I do not think you are a boy and anyone who is not my friend, which is everyone, by the way, will not want to do it."  
  
Suddenly, we all visualize Harry with a stoned look on his face sitting in the basement with the teenage cast of That 70's Show (which I hope Harry has heard of, since he has been in the Wizarding World so long he hasn't had a chance to do something constructive, like watch a show with people from the 70's on it.) talking about his love life.  
  
"Oh, uh, sure, my Hermione. Only if you marry me afterwards and have a large family of 19 children 1 French poodle named Antonia Stephano Alfredo Sauce with me and Remus Lupin."  
  
And he ambled away, thinking of a meadow of flowers, where he would frolic and "dance until he dies" with Hermione, far, far away in Japan.  
  
We now join Fred and George who are now with Harry still in the basement with Fez of That 70's Show now comparing their thoughts, and eyeshadow, on the Great Wall of China and cookies.  
  
"Harry, stop talking about your purple lilac-smelling happy-go-lucky eyeshadow and matching gel pens. We need not hear more, do we not, my dear brother Fred and member of my merry men club? Which, by the way, Harry, would you like to join? (Yeah, Harry answered. He was in deep converse with a lady genie who lives in Alaska.)  
  
Since their being expelled from school, Fred and George have taken up the study of the subject of Robin Hood and the culinary arts of Pittsburg.  
  
Harry, who got bored, was about to leave when he decided to join Fez who was smelling chocolate cake.  
  
"Are you dumbasses still down there?" hollered Red from upstairs.  
  
"Yeah. We're trying to figure out if the chocolate cake smells anything like Professor Sprout's rabbit."  
  
"If you ask me, chocolate has always smelled like Dumblerdore's shoe." Red explained. "Now get out!"  
  
Harry then decided to apparate back to his stupid school. "Think about it, Harry," Harry thought to himself, "if I could change the school in some odd way, it could be called Hogwarts School of Wax and Burping. Ahhhhh.... I could see it now....."  
  
Back at school......  
  
Hermione sat on the couch with baby #1, baby #2, and baby #3 sprawled on the couch.  
  
"'ello Hermione. So glad you got to work already." Harry said waltzing in the room.  
  
"Well, I do want this family......bad." She said walking over to him. "If you catch my drift." She took his face in her hands, gently teasing him with a long, passionate kiss.  
  
"Harry!!!!!! That's MY wife!!!!!" Ron hollered.  
  
"Two can play at this game. Actually, it's 3. She's having 19 kids with Remus, then me, and if you just happen to be lucky- oh, no, nevermind- not you." Harry tittered in an evil genious kind of way.  
  
"Harry, you dirty boy, you." Hermione seduced them both.  
  
A/N: Thank you all for reading. Ch.2 is coming soon, but we do need inspiration.... So REVIEW!!  
  
Flames are welcome, but not wanted 


	2. What Happens When Nematoads Attack

A/N: The 2nd chapter is finally out! It continues after the 1st chapter, so you shouldn't get confused. Well, get ready to read, the story's here!

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, but if I did, I'm sure I would be rich.....

Ch.2 What Happens When Nematodes Attack

Harry absentmindedly wandered the halls after dark.

Then Hermione ran up to him in the utmost impolite manner. "Nematodes............ (at least 20 minutes later...) are........................................ (another 20 minutes later...)"

"Are you mental or something? Can you talk? Spit it out already! Freek-a-leeko sista....." Harry mumbled after his first few telling statements.

Hermione slapped him and ran to her new eye of affection, Seamus Finnigan.

"Ron, should girls slap guys or should guys slap girls?"

"Uh.... I don't know Harry..."

"Well, Hermione just slapped me. Does that mean something?"

"Well, I'm not sure. I think if either girls slap guys and guys slap girls they would do it in an angry way. But if one of those 2 groups wasn't supposed to, I'd say they would slap someone else because they like them..."

"Yah, maybe. But first we must figure out if guys are supposed to slap girls of girls are supposed to slap guys. Well, to the library!...."

Later on...

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

At least half the school ran screaming down the hall as Harry and Ron entered it.

"We have the... hey what's the matter?"

"They're here! They have come!"

"Who?"

"Boy are you slow..." someone shouted.

"It's so loud in here that I need aspirin!" another disfigured Hufflepuff added to the hullabulloosee.

"It's the nematodes! They have attacked!"

"Oh," Ron added. "That explains the burning building..."

"I need some steroids to calm me down..." someone cried.

"'ere 'ave um 'o 'is," a puffy faced gothic Ravenclaw said. (Whatever kind of drug she used, it made her speak horrible. I think that other person meant they wanted some Sleep-Ex or something.)

"I'll save you all!" Harry cried.

Minutes later he walked into the room with burnt robes and face covered in ashes. "Neramin..." he grumbled. (Nevermind in English.)

"Wow... for someone who defeated Voldemort, it's pretty sad he can't defeat a nematode," Ron added happily. He hadn't burnt his robes yet.

Oh, no. The whole school is almost burnt," Hermione cried. "I really want to be able to take the end of the year exams..."

Everyone exchanged oddly confused looks and stared at Hermione.

Then, suddenly, Sirius Black strolled out of the broom closet. "Now there will be no silly wand waving or incantations, for I will save you all."

Everyone gasped as Sirius Black fought the nematodes with his bare hands. ("I work out at the mall, carrying womans' bags," he always told Harry.)

After one minute the nematodes fled away and Sirius Black sauntered to the students. "You have just witnessed a grand professional, such as moi fend off dangerous nematoads with brilliant technique. I command you all to worship me because I'm sooo hot!"

"You! You're supposed to be DEAD!" Harry cried. The nurse supplied him with drugs so he would feel better after being defeated by a nematoad.

"Am I not?"

"Are he not?"

"What?"

"When?"

"Crabs taste bad.... I picked one up once...."

And Sirius threw himself out of a window, only to fall on the fat lady who lived down the street.

Professor Snape strutted down the halls in a way reminding us all of a swimsuit model."What are you all doing here? Don't you know that the tanning beds open in 6 minutes?"

"REALLY?! LET ME COME TOO!"

"Well, I guess so, but I only have a limited space in my van, so choose who comes with us wisely..."

Ron ran up to Snape and said in a very out-of-character way, that he would be his new best friend. Harry ran up to him.

"Aren't I your best friend?" he looked around rapidly and smacked him across the face, which led to a very bloody fight, ending in the two making up and making out.

And after that Harry and Ron started another long, complicated conversation on if people should really slap each other at all.

"We will gather evidence at the library. We're off to see the library! The wonderful library of Oz..."

Hermione, who had been crying when seeing her 2 lovers "together"(if ya catch my drift), decided to stalk them, why wouldn't she want to go to the library?

"Ello, Hermione." said a very sexy voice. "What are you up to?"

Hermione glanced up only to see Draco Malfoy and his bottomless and mysterious grey eyes. "Well, I apparently have lost myself in your eyes."

"I have another idea for a "hands-on" experience." He suggested as the 2 leaned in for a passionate kiss.

"Wait. What if Ron and or Harry see me in this romantically enhanced position?"

"You should stop worrying about what other people think, honey. Plus, they could probably get a few tips from this make-out session."

"Well, alright."

And after that romantically enhanced moment, Hermione and Draco decided to step it up a notch and "lead off" to 2nd base...

A/N: YO! YO! YO! Peeps what up in da hit house? Chapta' 3 is comin' soon!


End file.
